The idea of being a mom is a lovely thought. Watching your child (or children) grow up. Their first word. Their first step. Their cute baby fuzz that passes for hair on the top of their head. Onesies with boats and ducks on them. Becoming a parent is one of life’s miracles.
Then there are times that leave me wondering whether I’d be a good mother. Being trapped on an airplane with screaming children is one of those times.
I was on a shuttle plane from Boston to Washington DC on Thanksgiving Day a few years ago. It’s common knowledge that it’s one of the craziest days to travel, but I had no options and apparently was feeling adventurous.
The flight was delayed by six hours as there was only one runway open in DC due to severe winds. I spilled coffee all over my nice white blouse that I wore since I was going straight from the airport in DC to dinner. I ended up having to blow $50 at the airport for a cheaply made ill-fitting hot pink touristy souvenir Boston sweatshirt. (It went great with my gray tweed slacks, let me tell you.) My seat just happened to be in the very last row against the back corner, next to someone who probably thought exercise was some ancient ritual that sent sinners to hell. We had turbulence the entire way from Boston until we hit the tarmac at Dulles Airport.
I was in no mood.
This one child provided a screeching wailing soundtrack the entire two hours that we were in that plane. No matter how loud I turned up my music, Paul Oakenfold was still punctuated with screams and cries.
Yes, I understand babies can’t help it. They are very sensitive to the cabin pressure changes. That still didn’t stop murderous thoughts of throwing the baby out the airplane door from flashing through my mind. No amount of cooing or “Look at the toy!” from the kid’s mother appeased him/her/Satan Spawn. In fact it just seemed to egg him on.
More thoughts passed through my head. Suffocation. Screaming back at the child. No one around me seemed to mind the shrieking, so apparently I was the bad guy. I sunk lower in my seat, as if somehow the mere two inches would be the difference between Crying Baby Hell and Blissful Silence and Tranquility.
I was wrong.
We finally landed. At Thanksgiving dinner, prior to turkey and stuffing, I had four Tylenol and a whiskey straight.
I’m sorry but itty bitty screaming babies and airplanes do not mix, especially if there is a Liz involved. I’m not a bad person, I swear! I just treasure the precious bit of sanity I do have.
9 Comments
May 15, 2008 at 11:21 pm
ugh…every time (ok that’s an exaggeration not every time) I get on a plane there is a crying, whining, dirty diapered kid near me. One lovely time there was a sick toddler bouncing up and down behind me holding onto the back of my seat and coughing on me. Yep had a cold for the next 2 weeks. Gah!
May 15, 2008 at 11:24 pm
@rialeilani: Oh god. Or when kids think it’s awesome to make the seat jiggle the whole way on a flight from Denver to DC by kicking it.
Children need separate planes.
May 16, 2008 at 7:12 am
I know exactly what you mean. Imagine having a devil child behind you all the way from Buenos Aires to Paris - some 14 hours. I have related the nightmare here:
http://caughtinthemiddleman.wordpress.com/2007/03/08/planes-trains-automobiles-part-1/
Also, another pet hate, while not so noisy, I also hate being stuck next to those with, well, less than slim waistlines on planes too:
http://caughtinthemiddleman.wordpress.com/2008/02/19/letter-from-america/
Nice blog
May 16, 2008 at 8:07 am
I’ve been there…and was one step away from asking the mother if she’d like to hear me having loud sex while she was trying to relax. But I realized that would be evil of me and instead asked for a rum and coke…
May 16, 2008 at 11:57 am
@Middle Man: Oh my gosh, on both counts. That last one… I’ve had that happen. It’s nutty. It always seems to happen on the long flights, too.
And thank you! You too!
@dcnewbie: Hahaha, nice. And I hear you. I thanked my lucky stars the day I was old enough to drink on flights… or in airport bars. Ah, the airport bar… a brilliant invention of man.
May 19, 2008 at 1:16 am
Hi,
First time visiting your site and it’s the perfect post as I am going to be traveling soon and dreading the flight. Sitting next to kids on the plane is one of my biggest pet peeves for the exact reasons you and other commentors have mentioned. Oh the stories I could tell….
On a more positive note, I love your blog!
May 19, 2008 at 1:26 am
@Dingo: Oh gosh, I wish you luck fellow traveler. Maybe bring a bottle of Robitussin (with drowsiness side effects) and slip it to any children in your vicinity! (”It’s liquid candy, I swear!”)
And thank you! I’ll check yours out now.
May 20, 2008 at 1:56 am
Yeah that would be a tough test. I don’t like kids crying in a store (Target usually) so an airplane would do me in.
May 20, 2008 at 4:41 am
@Jessica: It would test the patience of even the saintiest of saints.
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