One lesson that’s been the hardest to learn is that people move on from you. For a brief moment in time, you were important to them. They were the friend they called when in need. You were the girlfriend that was the center of their world. Then something happens. The friendship falls apart. People break up. Life goes on.
It’s weird, because even though you’ve moved on and are incredibly happy (and I am), you still peek behind you and see that those people you either left or left you aren’t looking back at you. It’s even harder when they seem to be happier without you in their lives. That’s a sobering notion. Someone’s life is better just because you aren’t in it. There are no regrets on their part. You have exited stage right, permanently.
Then again I could apply that to some people I’ve encountered in my life, but that gives them no right to feel the same towards me. Oh, the double standard, how I love thee.
I guess deep down we want to feel important. Like we’ve made an impact. We want to be missed, not gleefully forgotten. We don’t want to be someone’s learning experience or cautionary tale. “This is not the kind of girlfriend I want.” “I need a better friend.” No, that’s not who I want to be.
We all are at some point in our lives. We’re the bad girlfriend or boyfriend. We’re the bad friend that lets life get in the way of a friendship. We’re the speed bump in their life road, or whatever.
No one’s perfect.
15 Comments
June 7, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I couldn’t agree more. I see some friendships as meant to be lifelong, but others just reach a natural point where you drift apart and either do or don’t realize it.
Many of my friends are moving on with their lives, moving away, finding a gf/bf/fiance(e), we simply aren’t in the same circles anymore. It is hard to come to terms with but I do see it as somewhat natural.
And it definitely burns a bit to feel as though you are so easily tossed to the side. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but it’s hard to escape the feeling.
June 7, 2008 at 3:44 pm
One of my favorite literary lines comes from Zora Neale Hurston, “How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.” BUt sometimes people do deny themselves that pleasure and I am left to wonder what I did or didn’t do that removed me from their orbit. Do they miss me? Is there life better without me? Hard questions to face.
I have also been the friend who has moved on. This has helped me learn that sometimes it’s not what someone else did or didn’t do, it’s just a growing process and the friendship has faded. What bound us together isn’t there.
Both circumstances are hard but I believe every person that is in my life for a little bit or always, for good or ill, contributes to who I am. And I am thankful for it.
June 7, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I have a hard time when my relationships with my friends evolve and change and not in the way I want them too. I know it’s a part of growing up and apart but I don’t like it. Still don’t.
June 8, 2008 at 2:17 pm
@Brian: Yea, you’re right. It is natural, and sometimes we need to remember that there are those who don’t get how we tossed them so easily aside.
@Dingo: That’s a really mature way to look about it. I sometimes still get stuck on the whole thing, though. It just makes me sad, but oh well. It seems that people have a hard time letting go of the past and going forward, in general.
@Jessica: Same here. I hate it.
June 8, 2008 at 2:24 pm
True story. Yet, somehow it still sorta sucks, you know? It really is a double edged sword.
Egh.
June 8, 2008 at 5:39 pm
It’s a funny thing- I always am proud of myself when I realize that I’ve grown up, moved on- but yet when I think of people who’ve grown up, or moved away from ME- I can’t understand it. I’m with deutlich- definitely a double edged sword.
June 9, 2008 at 2:43 am
@deutlich: It really is. I hate that double standard. It would be so nice to not care. Maybe that’s something learned in our 30s?
@brandy: Ugh, same same SAME! I know exactly what you mean.
June 9, 2008 at 7:47 am
Being a little older (cough) than those posting here I can also tell you that sometimes many years later these friends return and it is amazing. However, when we try to recall how/why we drifted apart no one seems to remember.
June 9, 2008 at 8:55 am
you have no clue how closely this hits home for me. thanks for posting it.
June 9, 2008 at 11:15 am
wow. just like allthewine, this post has torpedoed through my living room.
oh, blogosphere. you make me so happy. uncovering universal truths, one stream-of-consciousness paragraph at a time.
don’t commenters make you wonder about the people next to you in public? if they’re the person who loved your post, or how closely they can relate to your experiences, though you’d never speak to them intimately enough to find that out? I do, sometimes.
June 9, 2008 at 12:21 pm
You’re absolutely right about this, especially the part about double standards. There are plenty of people I’ve tried my best to forget about, but **I** want to remain important to **them.**
June 9, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Great post and its been on my mind a bit lately as well and it totally does suck. Then again a lot of my closest friends and I have drifted apart for a few years and I was feeling kinda the same and then we were back as if nothing had happened. Its sad when we don’t go back to being friends and I see them all happy without me but then again I’m happy too:)
June 9, 2008 at 6:00 pm
@Herb: You know, I just had that happen with someone last night. It’s funny how that is… I guess there’s always the worry that things will never be the same.
@allthewine: Of course. Anytime. <3
@Kato: I’m so glad this helped or at least reached out to you. And I do wonder that sometimes.
@Zandria: Of course. It’s like I sometimes say.. “I don’t have to be the best, I just have to be better than everyone else.”
@thisgirl: Yea, I guess we just want to feel special. To know that they care on some level.
June 10, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I just went through a breakup with my now ex-bestfriend over a year ago. I spent months reeling from the shock at how my friendship was ending so badly. When finally told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore she sounded as if she couldn’t wait for me to be out of her life. My ego bruised, I cried torrential tears. Then when it finally dawned on me that my life was still ok without her in it, the tears dried up. Now, I am having more fun and pushing myself to live my life more fully than I ever did before. I don’t blame my now extinct friendship for holding me back and I don’t regret (anymore) having invested nearly 20 years in a friendship that is nothing more than a wisp of smoke on the wind. The fact is, relationships end. The pain comes when you hold on to hard. Now that I have let go, I couldn’t be happier. Thanks for the post.
June 10, 2008 at 11:28 pm
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